Challengers Review

Hey, it's the movie where Zendaya has a threesome with two brothers. Okay, it isn't really about that, it's about Zendaya trying to decide which of these two tennis guys she's gonna end up with or something, but the marketing made it seem like the two guys were brothers. Even my manager thought so. Anyway, I didn't really have any strong feelings about the movie before it came out, looked sorta interesting. I used to watch tennis with my mom growing up so I could get into that angle of the movie.

What's The Movie About?

These two tennis players have a match that's overly dramatic and we flash around their history of why their like that. Spoilers, it's because they are horny for Zendaya and each other and as all three of them are egotistical assholes.

What I Like.

The story structure is pretty interesting. Basically it starts with a tennis match between these two guys, and we flashback to various interactions they and Zendaya have had throughout their lives. It's kind of a mystery of what's going on that slowly reveals itself. They do the "action set to the rhythm of music' thing, but it's with drama and tennis instead of fighting or a chase scene. It works sometimes. The second half of the movie picked up quite a pace and got tense at certain points. And the acting is pretty good. All the leads are pretty hot too so that helps I guess.

What I Didn't Like.

If you couldn't tell from the subtle hints the the previous sections, I don't like this movie very much. It's kinda bad. It's not god awful, but it's aggressively kinda bad. I'll see if I can explain myself. 

To start with, I said the story structure is interesting, but notice I didn't say it was good. Honestly, I got confused about when the scene I was watching was happening in relation to the last scene. Also, a third of the movie the slow burn doesn't work because we either already know what's gonna happen, either because of the start of the movie establishing it or BECAUSETHEFUCKINGTRAILERSPOILEDIT! Another third it doesn't work because I don't know what the question I'm supposed to want to know the answer to is, and the final third doesn't work because it involves being invested in the characters and I hate all of them.

SECOND POINT, I hate all the characters. Well, to be fair there is only like 3 characters, Zendaya, blonde tennis boy, and brown-haired tennis boy. (Art and Patrick, respectively.) I mean there's a bunch of other people in the movie obviously but no one gets a name except for Art and Zendaya's kid who is so completely superfluous to the movie I think she only exists so Art can use her to complain about playing tennis. Because the only thing Art wants in the movie is to stop playing tennis. Zendaya and Patrick are egotistical and aloof, and they also like to act like their pulling these 4D chess manipulation moves on each other and Art, but really they're just fucking assholes with really vague motivations. Zendaya says she doesn't want to be a homewrecker yet she constantly is bouncing back and forth between Art and Patrick for some reason (just like a real tennis match uhuhuhuh) even though she constantly berates and criticizes both of them. Normally in movies with love triangles I'm on the never route of 'all the characters should just form a polycule' but here I just want all of them to go away. Patrick gets a special mention in my next segment. 

Three, there's some HORRIBLE queer representation in this movie. To give the movie a slight break, there isn't any forced in lesbians, and that's appreciated. They don't ignore the romantic chemistry between Art and Patrick, and Patrick is fairly open with his bisexuality in the movie. But Patrick is also a philanderer, and openly admits at one point to be hooking up with whoever he can just so he can have a place to sleep. Which is a position HE PUT HIMSELF INTO BECAUSE HE'S TOO PRIDEFUL TO ASK HIS RICH PARENTS FOR HELP. Also, really early on there's this random gay couple that sexually harass him for no reason and they are super stereotypical, and don't come into play at all or connect to anything.

Fourth thing, this movie is too long. You could trim plenty and makes it a svelte two hours, like that gay couple I just mentioned. There's slow motion, for absolutely no reason. Why does Zendaya turning around need to be three times as long as normal? There's also like an embarrassing amount of product placement for just about everything, which I guess makes sense since the characters are professional tennis players (kinda sorta) but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Five, I said the tennis and drama set to music works sometimes? It works twice, both in the second half of the movie. I can't really explain why it doesn't work for every other scene. It just doesn't. Like, the makers of the movie did it wrong. It doesn't line up, or they put music cues over some pointless shot. Here's a shot of Art staring at his coffee table, better pump the techno. Here's Zendaya rubbing her busted knee, this needs an angelic choir singing in Latin. I hate the music in this movie. I thought it was going to be all techno music, which I wouldn't have loved but I could at least respect. But they also use super incongruous church hymns or something of that nature. And on top of that, There's licensed music. Diegetic licensed music that SOUND TERRIBLE.

Lastly, the first half of this movie is really boring. And again, I can't really explain why. The only things that happen are either shown in the trailer, or incredibly cringe-worthy. Let's just say when the most entertaining part of your movie is a scene where someone is telling a story about the first time they jerked off, you better fucking work hard to make it entertaining. Hell, it's not even that funny. It's just kinda icky I guess. All the romance scenes are like that. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood, but the romantic dialogue sucks, the "sex" scenes are just gross, but not in an intentional way, and the nudity felt meaningless. I didn't even feel sleezy. It just was like, "Yep, they made the actors get naked. Whatever."

Also the movie just stops. Kinda like this.

Final Summation.

I had a chance to watch this movie the night before it came out officially, but I didn't feel super great so I didn't go. It was the only movie that came out that week, but I didn't go in on my day off because I wanted to rest. I been having issues managing my stress and anxiety recently and wanted to take sometime off. Hell, I had three panic attacks in the past few days before going to see this movie, and one on my way home from watching it. 

I think the universe was trying to warn me.

I kinda hate this movie. I feel like a fraud saying that because, objectively, it's not that terrible of an experience. (It's not Civil War.) I'm sure it would appeal to someone. But not me. After writing this review I'm not even angry. I'm not disappointed at the movie either because I didn't really have expectations going in. I just feel empty inside.

What the fuck am even I doing?