Oscars 2025

It's that time again! The time where everyone gets highly critical of film criticism culture, even though barely anyone actually cares about the award show and will just Google what won best picture then next morning and go "huh". Not that I'm against that response honestly. just like last year, I've seen about half the nominees so will give my short opinion about each one and who I want to to win, etc... Starting with... Oh damn.

Emilia Perez

As a trans person who likes movies and being mad, I feel like I should have an opinion on this. But I haven't seen the movie and don't plan to watch it ever. Everything I hear about the movie just sounds like a slog to get through. I think the reason this movie got nominated is because it's a political statement. Trans rights have been a hot button issue that last couple years, with my side wanting the right to exist in a way that feels comfortable to them, and the wrong side getting offended and calling us pedophiles for it. The Academy always wants to look like they are on the right side of history, so they of course went over board and gave a million nominations. The funny thing is, they completely snubbed I Saw The TV Glow, a movie that does a great job expressing the transgender experience. Apparently. I haven't seen it yet.

The Brutalist, A Complete Unknown, Nickle Boys, and I'm Still Here

Haven't seen these, either because they didn't come to my theater or they came out after I got fired. I wish I did see the Complete Unknown, that would have been a really funny juxtaposed with the two other musician biopics that came out last year. The Brutalist also looks pretty cool. 

Anora

Huh. Wasn't expecting this nomination, but good for Anora! It's not gonna win. 

Dune Part Two

I'm conflicted that three of the nominees are movies I have on my best movies of the year list. On one hand, that implicitly gives credibility to my reviews since I agree with the majority of major film critics. But as a anarchist punk I'm annoyed that my tastes are so radically different from  the establishment. (That being said, they are the three bottom choices on my top ten of the year, so I'm not too similar I guess.) Regardless, Dune Part Two has been nominated for the same reason it was on my top ten best movies of the year list. Because it was the only mainstream movie that came out that was really good. 

Conclave

Aw sick! I love Conclave as you all should know, and I feel like no one gave it a chance in theaters so I'm absolutely psyched to see it get the attention it deserves. That being said, it's not my pick to win. I still like it the best over all other nominees, but I have a sneakier reason for why I want what I want to win to win. Still, awesome!

The Substance

This is my pick to win. Not because I like this movie the best, my tumultuous relationship with this movie is well known by those who are forced to hear me talk. But I really love the idea of snobs who only watch the best picture of the year switching it on with no knowledge of what happens in the movie, and getting absolutely disgusted at Margaret Qualley turning into the Elephant Man. (She should have gotten a supporting actress nom. SMDH Academy.)

Wicked

Oh fuck off! Not to get conspiratorial, but I'm pretty sure the only reason why Wicked has a best picture nomination is because Disney owns ABC and ABC is the channel that hosts the Oscars. Even if you like this movie, you'd have to agree with me. Because think about it. There is no way the stuffy old guard would actually consider it as a potential Best Picture of the year, which means they gave it a nomination for a particular reason. It wasn't because it's a female lead movie, like half the nominees are female lead. It wasn't because it was pop culture movie, because that's why Dune Part Two is here. And it can't be for genre diversity since Emilia Perez is also a musical! 

As you can see, not dead quite yet. I have a feeling I'll post at least one more review when that Superman movie comes out and blows my mind. I guess you'll never truly escape me.

The Best And The Worst Movies I've Seen This Year

I have seen more movies this year than I have seen for my entire life. And I didn't even make it for the full year. I am exhausted. But I am proud of the fact that I engaged with more art this year than I probably every have! I watched some great stuff! I watched some real duds. And I've watched some stuff that really got my gander. Let's see what the best and the worst movies I saw this year are. I'm going to alternate between bad and good movies so that I can cut the negativity with positivity, and end on a happy note before saying au revoir. Onwards for the lists!

Tenth Worst Movie

As much as I want to give the spot of worst kids movie to that fucking horrible Wild Robot movie, I can't in good conscience say that it was worse than Harold And The Purple Crayon. At least the Wild Robot was really pretty, and it felt like the creators cared a little bit. Harold and the Purple Crayon is lazy and hackneyed, and even the kids and the audience could tell. If you want a kids movie with a lot of purple that came out on 2024, stick with IF.

Tenth Best Movie

Venom 3: The Last Dance is actually amazing. Anyone who didn't like it is completely wrong, and this is, FOR SURE, the absolute best Marvel movie that has COME OUT THIS YEAR. YEP. THIS IS THE BEST and I'm just kidding the number ten is actually the Substance. I just wanted to piss off Deadpool and Wolverine fans one more time.

I've had quite the adventure with this movie. At first, I couldn't recommend it. Then I came to the realization that it just wasn't a movie for me. I now accept that is movie is a masterpiece that everyone kinda owes it to themselves to see just once. Just don't eat anything beforehand. The reason it is this low on the list is because I really have no desire to see it ever again. 

Ninth Worst Movie

Hey it's the movie so bad it got me fired. I will admit that I liked about an hour of this movie. Too bad the other two hours of this movie are some of the most reprehensible and anger inducing garbage I've ever seen. If I wasn't watching the movie with my mom, I would have walked out. I cut my review of this short, I had way more things to nitpick about Wicked Part One. (Why is there a train that goes to the Emerald City. Why didn't Dorothy take it when she arrived? Did they get rid of the train? Did she just not know it exists? Why is the movie intent of making Dorothy retrospectively the worse protagonist ever?) Maybe Disney will be merciful and not release Part Two, but I given how I alone stand against this movie, I sincerely doubt it. 

Ninth Best Movie

Now onto a movie that deserves to be three hours long and in two parts, Dune! I feel like the beginning of this year has been very slow, probably because of the writers strike. But Dune stood out among some good-but-less-than-I-expected movies and some real stinkers as the best thing for the entirety of spring. Dune, unlike some other movies, uses it's massive run time wisely. There is never a dull moment between the gorgeous shots set to haunting music, and the cool fighting between the armies of Arrakis and the House Harkonnen. Can't wait for the sequel!

Eighth Worst Movie

Speaking of waiting for a sequel. I am delighted that Part Two of this movie got cancelled, because this movie was BO-OR-RING! This is a slasher movie with only more killers than victims. And there is only three killers. How the hell does that make any sense? The Strangers Chapter One is a lifeless reboot of a lifeless movie to begin with, and has nothing to showcase except people in masks wandering around a boring cabin. The nicest thing I can say about this is that it isn't the most boring movie I've seen this year, nor is it the worst slasher I've seen.

Eighth Best Movie

If Sherlock Holmes wanted to orchestrate who the next Pope was gonna be, you would NOT get Conclave. Because Ray Fiennes doesn't play a Sherlock Holmes type in the movie, however! This does not change the fact that Conclave is a really fun mystery, with a great lead, and a REALLY great ending. It is highly unfortunate that there weren't really any mystery movies this year, because I love them. Conclave is the closest thing to a Poriot movie I got this year, and by damn I will take it and love it! 

Seventh Worst Movie

Hoo boy is Megalopolis a stinker. It's probably a bad thing that this is the only Francis Ford Coppola movie I've seen right? But I will cut it some slack because at least it was fascinatingly bad. But this movie still has Aubrey Plaza playing a money-grubbing news reporter who fucks her nephew. And no amount of fascination makes that okay. I find passion projects really interesting, since they are almost always really awesome, or complete trainwrecks. But both and am equally willing to watch all the way through. Even if the CGI is really goddamn bad. 

Seventh Best Movie

This is the best horror movie I've seen all year, and that is saying a lot and a little at the same time. While sure, the opening is kinda lame and exposition is ham-fisted and there is the most random lesbians ever, the premise and scares of Cuckoo are very unique and a fascinating watch. It's a major shame this movie got pushed out of theaters really fast, because I would have loved to rewatched it and experienced the madness all over again. Keep an open mind throughout the movie, but definitely check it out!

Sixth Worst Movie

Fuck you Terrifier 3! Because of you I can't put Civil War as the movie that pissed me off the most this year. Terrifier 3 should probably actually be called Terrible 3 because it's willfully bad. It's bad at being scary, it's bad at being funny (usually), and it's bad at writing a satisfying character arc for any of it's characters. And I am convinced it's doing poorly on purpose. The creator of this movie has it's fans curled around his pinky, and nothing he can do who get them untwisted. Telling this to Terrifier fans is like screaming into a jet turbine, I'm aware, but maybe they should stick to the dark web for their snuff films instead of bringing it onto the silver screen.

Sixth Best Movie

More movies should be like Saturday Night. There is an energy, pacing, and fluidity to this movie that was simply unmatched this year, and I was all the way there for it. I actually rewatched this movie after I wrote me review. And I came to the conclusion that a lot of my criticisms of the movie were wrong. Like Lorne Micheals is too perfect? What the hell was I talking about? Anyway, this movie is really good. Since I'm not gonna be watching Nosferatu, I can say this is the best movie I've seen with Willem Dafoe. 

Fifth Worst Movie

I really didn't want to do this, but there's no denying it. The Watchers is really bad. But instead of getting angry, it just makes me feel sad. I'm sad this first time creative clearly put their heart into something so laughably awful. I do sincerely hope Ishana keeps trying to make movies if that is something she is passionate about. I also hope that she picks someone besides her father to emulate. It's a bad sign if you out Shyamalan M. Night, okay. Also she should get a more consistent effects team. I still think upon that floating computer screen and laugh. 

Fifth Best Movie

One of the "Didn't Come To My Theater" movies had to make it on here, they were all three so good! But the best definitely was Hundreds of Beavers. This movie is funny, smart, and an entertaining blast from beginning to end. I'm not going to say watch this movie, because this is a movie that you should be shown. It's perfect, "Hey, check out this awesome thing!" film, and I don't want to deprive anybody who has already seen it the pleasure of showing it off. Seriously, find out if any of your friends have seen this movie and ask them to show it to you if you haven't. If you have seen this movie, get your friends and family around and show it to them. 

Fourth Worst Movie

The only thing more insufferable than this movie and it's plot of literally nothing, is watching film snobs defend this movie and say that it's nothing plot is actually the most interesting this ever put to film. I don't buy "The filmmakers did it on purpose!" excuse for movies. If they knew it was bad, why are they doing it? I cannot think of an experience I've had that was more boring that Zone of Interest. I'd call the cinematic equivalent of watching paint dry, but at least when that's over your wall is a new color. 

Fourth Best Movie

This movie is beautiful. I'm so glad that I saw this movie when I did, it was exactly what I needed at the time I needed it. The couple in it are tragic and real, but also sappy and gorgeous. I love the plot, the humor, and the full on vibes. We Live In Time is probably my go to movie now whenever I need to cry, which is much more often than I would care to admit.

Third Worst Movie

So does Russell Crowe not do good movies anymore? He wasn't in Gladiator II which was a really fun movie, but he decided to be in Land of Bad, Kraven the Hunter, and this pile of shit? I did eventually come around to understand what the hell I watched when I was sitting through The Exorcism, but let me tell ya, there was a lot of sleepless nights until that happened. It takes a special breed of bad to be so bad-it's-funny-until-it-isn't. And before you say anything, I do like horror movies. The reason most of the list of worst movies are horror movies is because it was mostly horror movies that came out this year, aight?

Third Best Movie

The Killer's Game rocks, I do not even care what critics said. It's a whole ton of fun, with great action, interesting characters, and the plot is actually heartfelt and extremely interesting. Unlike some other movies that I liked and critics or audiences didn't, I haven't really looked into why The Killer's Game got bad reviews. I think there's just a bias against straight actions movies within critic circles. That's fine, I'll watch them if no one else will. Keep putting Dave Batista in stuff too, he's great!

Second Worst Movie

Got to love a horror movie with nothing scary in it and instead it just tries to gross you out. And by that I mean you need to repulse its very nature. The Front Room is not only terrible, but it thinks it's really clever when it's as shallow as a puddle. And not one of ginormous puddles that sticks around for days and days, destroying the concrete and someone's lawn. Nah, this is one of those puddles that are in the middle of slightly divoted sidewalks that you don't bother to walk around because it doesn't even clear the soles of your shoes. Anyway, this movies sucks so only watch it if you have a scat fetish.

Second Best Movie

Great Primus is this movie spectacular! The animation of Transformer One is spectacular, the action is fast and fun, but the real star of the show is the story. There was a lot of plots about the downtrodden rising up against the society that keeps them down this year, and by far this one is the best one this year. I will always appreciate the time that this movie takes establishing that you can go too far when fighting oppression and become the oppressor yourself. There is only one other movie that I saw more than this one all year, but well get to that right after the...

Honorable and Dishonorable Mentions

Just real quick, here's some movies that I feel bad for cutting because either they are really good and I didn't have space, or I want to give them one more insult and I didn't have space. Honorable Mentions in no particular order: Fly Me To The Moon (Stylish and exciting, little bit of structural problems.), Late Night With The Devil (Really cool premise I want to see more of, don't use AI next time!), Monkey Man (Had a great time both times, but I rarely think back on it compared to some others) Immaculate (Surprisingly good, but still not quite 10 worthy.), and Red One (The dialogue really held this one back, but still a whole lot of fun.). And the Dishonorable Mentions in no particular order: Civil War (It would be on if not for Terrifier 3 and Zone of Interest), Horizon Part One (Oh hey, they are making a series that this movie should have been FROM THE START.), Kinds of Kindness (The longer I think about this movie the worse it gets, but it's still an interesting watch.), The Crow (JUST DO REVENGE MURDER ALREADY!), and It Ends With Us (I already said it in the review, but find better porn Middle Aged Cis Straight White Women.).

My Least Favorite Movie Of The Year

This movie. This movie has everything bad I've seen in a movie this year in it. Bad acting? Yes. Terrible script? You betcha. Nonsensical directing? Out it's ears. Most of the people who bought a ticket walked out? Oh you better believe it! Bad music? Not really, actually. If you put a gun to my head, I couldn't say that these individual elements are worse than some of the other movies on this list. But what elevates Back To Black to the worst of the worst (or should I say descend emeh meh.) is the reason it exists, and the moral the writer director is pushing onto the audience. Back To Black tell you it's okay to be an abusive spouse. And that's why it is the worst of the year.

Okay, now onto the best. Drum roll please....

The Absolute Best Movie Of The Year

Is anyone surprised by this? I've only compared like every movie that has come out and I liked to this one. I watched this movie two and a half times while it was in theater, and twice more after it left. This movie is probably in my favorite movies of all time now. The Fall Guy is heartfelt, hilarious, has good action, a great romance, and features unconventional heroes. If you have not seen the Fall Guy, well I'm not going to tell you that you have to. But it's really damn good and easily the best movie I've seen this year.

And this is Au Revoir friends! I hope you've enjoyed this exploration of my mind through the medium of film reviews! Or to put it in a less wank-y way, I hope you enjoyed watching me go nuts over a bunch of movies. May we never meet again! 

Movies My Theater Missed Review

So. This is the end. Yeah, sorry to cut this blog short, but real life events have changed circumstances in my life and I no long have a job that allows me to watch free movies. I was going to wait and do like eight movies on this list, but I think for my own sanity I'm just going to quick talk about the movies I already watched, then do a top ten best and worst movies I watched this year, then bid adieu. Will this blog become resurrected? I dunno, doubtful unless I get another movie theater job. But for now, lets look at three Movies I totally dug which didn't come out in the theater I was working at. 

The Primevals

The Primevals is a retro-styled science fiction adventure movie that is brought to us by Full Moon Features. Now, that alone makes me interested in the movie already. I like sci-fi, I like old school adventure movies, and I like monsters. The story is very straightforward, some scientist gain access to a dead yeti, find some weird stuff dissecting it, and travel to Nepal in order to see if they can find a live Yeti to study. It's got cool stop motion effects, enjoyable characters, and really fricking good music! I really want to emphasize that the effects are spectacular. Not only do they blend surprisingly well with the live action backgrounds, model sets, and real actors, but they are damn impressive. The amount of emotion that the yetis express in the movie is so good. My only real complaint is that finale feels a little low-key for all the build up, but that probably because of budget reasons. Stop motion is already hard, so while having hordes of lizardmen attack a giant ape sounds awesome, only the big corporation filmmakers are gonna have that kind of money and those guys will just make you do it with CGI to be cost effective or to meet a deadline.
But the reason it's on this list in particular is for a deeper reason. I first heard The Primevals is because some of the film people I watch on YouTube were talking about it. And the reason they were talking about this film was because of David Allen. David Allen was an animator, working with stop motion to create creatures for a variety of Full Moon Features and other low budget sci-fi and horror movies. (A particular favorite of mine is Doctor Mordred. That mammoth/t-rex fossil fight was awesome.) He died in 1999. Before he died, David was working on a movie, his movie. A movie that was entirely his vision, making the effects he wanted to see in a story he wanted to tell, the way he wanted to do it. That movie got lost in production hell, stopping and starting over and over as David couldn't find a production company that would float the bill. He worked on this move for 40 years! It was set to come out in 1994! But after his death, Full Moon Features had to shelve it. Until 2018.
In 2018 Full Moon Features ran an Indiegogo campaign to finish David Allen's movie. That movie was the Primevals. This passion project from a guy who was pretty much only a draw if you were in the know and often had a lot of his hard work cut out of movies he worked on. Will this movie be for everyone? No. The old-school adventure set-up of white people exploring distant exotic lands to fight monsters has always been burdened with racist undertones and the plot may brush up a little too closely to ancient aliens conspiracies for some. (Although the movie actually has the story address both points and particularly the ancient alien thing gets cleverly subverted.) But this is a passion project by people with their hearts in the right place and a lost film finally released. This feels like a movie everyone owes it to themselves to check out.

Salem's Lot (2024)

I watched this one on the recommendation of my friends (Hi Chuck! Hi Mary!) and I wasn't really sure what to expect from this. I've gone on record saying I don't really like vampires, and I have absolutely no opinion of Stephen King. Never read any of his books, and the only King movie I've seen is Creepshow, which feels more like a George A. Romero product than a Stephen King one. And I don't know if I could have had a better introduction. Salem's Lot (2024) is awesome! It's more or less a traditional vampire story but with old Hollywood epic vibes. It's not just a vampire terrorizing a small town, we need to hire like 100 extras and need 30 characters in the plot so we can turn half of them into vampires! The movie sticks with some traditional vampire lore which makes the plot somewhat easy to predict, but the way it's implemented is so cool. The special effects in this movies are simply delightful. Especially the crosses, the way they glow makes it seem like they'd burn off the film if it was actually shot when Hollywood made epics. And their is a scene where the main vampire is sucking someone's blood and his head get's all these thick red veins bursting out of his skull, ugh it looked so fucking awesome! It isn't a perfect movie, the sacrifice of having a town full of vampires is that there are way too many characters in the front half of the movie and some of the plot threads lead nowhere. Plus if you could totally predict the plot if you know vampire fiction and ESPECIALLY if you know Stephen King. But hey, it's damn good. I wish it came to theaters instead of being a Max exclusive. 

Hundreds of Beavers

Oh hell yes! This was pretty much the reason I wanted to make this end of the year long review. I was sent the trailer for this movie by my dad, and I was so hyped immediately. Unfortunately, it was an incredibly limited release. The closest theaters that were showing it was 80 miles away and I don't own a car, so even though I totally would have paid to go see this movie, I couldn't. And it was only streaming on Apple TV, I'm not getting another subscription service. 

Hundreds of Beavers is a live action black and white cartoon. And it's fucking amazing. It's about a washed up Apple Jack seller who is trying to survive the winter and earn the hand of a fur trader's daughter by giving him the pelts of, well, hundreds of beavers. This entire plot is just a collection of slapstick and silly scenarios. There is no dialogue, all the characters mostly speak in grunts and screams, and all the animals are people in mascot costumes. They use bluescreen and simple animations that looks so bad they come around to being stylish. The plot is just a sequence of trapper finds something new, the new thing causes him a misfortune, the trapper learns how to use it to assist in his hunting, and someone gets tackled or kicked in the face. It's sounds dumb, but it's actually really smart! I don't want to get too much into it because that would require spoilers and you should just watch the movie yourself, but there's about half the movie I thought was gonna be just joke fodder and then it was called back or important to the plot. And despite there is practically no dialogue in the movie, the humans are all distinct characters and there's a pretty awesome plot twist. The plot about a guy killing people in beaver costumes? Yes. It's one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. Has it beaten The Fall Guy for my favorite movie of the year? No, not quite. It's not as rewatchable as that movie and the romance in The Fall Guy was better. But Hundreds of Beavers is still an easy recommendation.

Wicked Part One Review

Well, I guess the post-Terrifier 3 good movie run had to end sometime. I really like The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I got read it as a child and reread the original book myself several times. I read some of the sequel books too, Jack Pumpkinhead is legitimately one of may favorite characters in fiction. I've even read some of the comics too, those were cool. I've also seen a lot of the Wizard of Oz movies, which is not something I realized before sitting down in the theater. But I've seen the original Wizard of Oz (obviously), The Wiz (which I should rewatch), the Muppet parody. I even saw Oz the Great And Powerful. Not that I remember anything from it. I was legitimately obsessed with Oz as a kid, I remember trying to figure out where it was so I could figure out a way to move there. I think I thought it was in the middle of Australia? I've only engaged with the Wicked book, I've never seen the play, and I've only heard bits of it from being in the car with my mom when she was listening to the audiobook. The two scenes were the beginning when Elphaba was born and they had to bathe her in milk so she didn't get water on her and die, and a part where she sleeps with a guy who scars her on her stomach because he jizzed there. Anyway...

This movie looked terrible. Like corporate and performative-feminist-without-understanding-what-makes-good-female-characters sludge. Basically the trailer gave me the same vibes of all the Disney live-action remakes. When the movie actually came out, things did not improve. The trailers that play before the movie have me convinced that culture is dead. Humanity is no longer capable of creating anything creative or caring about anything original. We are all spiraling inexorably towards the shutdown of our higher brain functions, and it's all Disney's fault. 

What's The Movie About?

Someone watched the Wizard of Oz and thought, "What if the Wicked Witch of the West was a good person?" and wrote a book about it. Then somebody read the book and thought "This should be more like Mean Girls." for some Ozma-forsaken reason.

The Green Stuff.

Elphaba is a very cool character. I like that because she has lived her entire life being hated, she is prepared for everyone's questions and knows how to deal with rude people. I like her connection with animal people and the plot line of her trying to help them out. Her growing out of her selfish desire to change her skin color and instead making her greatest wish for the Wizard to be to help out the animals. Speaking of which, Jeff Goldblum as the Wizard of Oz was a great cast, and I like how sinister they make him. There's literally an illusion to The Great Dictator while he's doing "magic" to impress Elphaba and Glinda. I also weirdly like the Winkie prince? I thought he was going to be deplorable when he started singing about how great it is to be stupid, but he actually has some depth that I thought was really interesting. I really like the Defying Gravity song. I think it being the cap on this movie was really smart, and I like the escape action scene that it was paired up with. This movie also looks pretty good. the effects are nice, the sets are colorful, and the costuming is a lot of fun. I want Elphaba's glasses. 

The Pink Stuff.

I don't know if I have hated a character in a movie this year more than I hate Glinda in this movie. The amount of hate I have for her is rivaled only by my hatred for Hitler and myself. They took a character who was underlyingly very smart and plotting and turn her into a vapid idiot who talks like a someone who got dropped as a baby. I understand that is the point. But the movie harps on and on about it. Two hours of this movie is just pointing out how stupid and self-centered this pink bitch is. It honestly makes me think that the writer actually thinks that vanity and cliques are top notch, but know if they admit that they'll get in trouble, so instead just shows off as much as possible of that while throwing a brief "But don't be like that" moment at the very end. It definitely doesn't help that Glinda has no character arc in the movie. The movie pretends she does, there's a little dance she does with Elphaba and I guess they are best friend snow for some reason? But there's no build-up to this moment. The two are literally singing about how much they hate each other, Glinda does something selfish that accidentally benefits Elphaba's sister, so Elphaba does something nice for her in return because she's an actual good and empathetic person. So that means Glinda feels guilty about tricking Elphaba getting made fun of IN A SCENERIO SHE SET UP so she does a stupid dance with her. She's at a different place, sure, but there's no path there. She just teleported there. Naturally after that point comes a scene that made me, a trans person, fell personally attacked, so cool. It also doesn't help that Ariana Grande triggers my fight or flight instinct for some reason. 

All the extras and Ozian residents are terrible people as well. That's fucking cool. This movie is single-handedly crushing my childhood dreams of living in Quadling Country, but whatever. Life's easier when you're dead inside, right Disney? I don't understand why everyone is racist in this movie. I mean, I get why the animals are being discriminated against. It's for a stupid, convoluted conspiracy about drought and the Wizard creating a enemy to unite the people of Oz, which now that I'm typing this out doesn't make any sense since he's literally turning the people he rules against each other. But that could be something that's explained in the next movie. No, what I mean is I don't understand why everyone hates Elphaba for being green. She's the only person who is green, it's heavily implied that no one know why she's that way, yet everyone is horrified and disgusted by her. Even though skin aside, she's incredible pretty! These people act like this isn't a land where unique creatures are a common sight! Sure, there's a lot of talking animals, but how many cyborgs are there in the land of Oz? Or talking, dancing scarecrows? No one hates the Tin Woodsman or the Scarecrow. 

This movie also makes some changes from the book/original movie I find questionable. From the trailers I found the fact that Elphaba was being played a black woman weird, but it's fine in the context of the movie. What's less fine is the fact that her sister is in a wheelchair. Again, nothing wrong with having disabled characters and I like that Disney actually got a disabled actress to play Nessarose. But I absolutely hate the fact that Dorothy killed a disabled woman. Because that's who Nessarose is, she's the Wicked Witch of the East. You see her get the slippers in the movie. (Although they aren't ruby slippers because Disney doesn't have the rights to the original movie. Yet.) I'm also bothered by the lack of color importance. It's not something that is exclusive to this movie to be fair, but colors are very important in the book. Every country in Oz has a specific color and certain colors are only worn by certain types of people. For example: Witches are the only people in Oz who wear white and black. When Dorothy shows up, her blue and white checkered dress helps the Munchkins instantly trust her and know she's good. None of the movies follow this philosophy. The Wicked Witch of the West wears black, but that's it and could just be because she's the villain and they wanted to color-code her to be darker than everyone else. Glinda wearing pink irrationally bugs me. It's fine in the original Wizard of Oz movie since they make no reference to the Gillikin Country and she's explicitly a good opposite to the green villain. They are supposed to clash. This movie frames Glinda and Elphaba as friends by the end of it, and there's more references to the book as a whole. Glinda should be purple. Purple and green are more complimentary than pink and green. Speaking of Green, the Emerald City looks TERRIBLE. I can't really understand why, since pretty much everything else looks good. But something about the Emerald City when it is shown in the background looks fake as hell. 

Much like this review, this movie is far too long. Fuckin' Wizard of Oz movie thinks its Dune. Seriously, why the hell is this movie 3 hours long? If you consider the fact that this is a two-parter, it's actually more like SIX hours long, but I shouldn't judge a movie before it comes out. Let's keep judging this one. Why is Bock in the movie? I wanted to like him at first since he's an underdog and infatuated with a terrible woman who literally never gives him a first thought, let alone a second. But his subplot with Dessarose is so auxiliary to what is going on in the actual story. Cut that out of the movie. There's a random part where Elphaba and the prince save what I guess is supposed to be the Cowardly Lion, and there's a tiny bit of characterization but it's really just there to remind the audience that this movie is connected to a much better movie. Cut the scene. Honestly, all of Shiz could be cut out of the movie and it would be infinitely better, but I guess we wouldn't have a catalyst for the animal storyline. Actually, Elphaba was raised by a bear since her dad immediately disowned her, you could have her get introduced to the animals disappearing and becoming speechless through her. If you must keep Glinda in the movie, make he less prominent of a character. Or just show off how shallow and vain she is for twenty minutes instead of TWO HOURS. 

Actually, I don't even know why this movie is in two parts. This first part is a perfectly serviceable movie on it's own. You see Elphaba become a "bad guy", you see Glinda's "rise" to being a "good" witch. Is the second part just going to be sweeping up little crumbs of plot left over, like the Prince? I don't want to watch that. I have a feeling the second part is going to be more interesting than the first just because Shiz won't be in it, but it will probably have Glinda even more since her and Alphaba split up at the end of this one. I dunno, what even is this paragraph. 

Final terrible issue with Wicked, I hate most of the songs. I mentioned already that the only song I really like is Defying Gravity. Some song are alright but really forgettable, others are unfortunately not. People who like being around me are very lucky I don't know how to get access to a firearm, because if I hear that Popular song again I would blow my brains out. I doesn't help the the song is full of the annoying "cutesy" dialogue where Glinda adds unnecessary suffixes to every word longer that two syllables. Why does the movie do that? Glinda is the worse culprit, but Michelle Yeoh does it a lot in the movie too. People of Oz don't talk like that in the book, and I'm 95% sure the original movie wasn't like that either. It's not whimsical, it's ANNOYING. What's whimsical is the talking animals and people doing magic. 

The thing is, all of this is in the play. Or it's intentionally terrible. So if you are reading this as a fan of the play or book, you're probably reading this wondering...

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me.

A lot, you got time? Let's start with this. I have a hard time watching stuff like Mean Girls because I've got traumatic history with my high school years. I don't like movies that focus on the drama of being popular. I think it's a stupid goal. I'm also starting to realize I don't like parodies or deconstructions of things I like non-ironically. Like superhero comics. I don't like stories that point out how silly or stupid tropes of that genre can be, even if they are well-written, because I enjoy the fantasy of straight forward moral conflict of good versus evil where good usually wins. I know it's not realistic, I'm reading a story about people in spandex who can fly, why would I think it's realistic. Oz is the same way for me. It is a socialist utopia run by a lesbian goddess, is separated into five color-coded states filled with talking animals and living constructs, and is literally surrounded by a desert that is impassable called the Impassable Desert. It's not a realistic setting. It doesn't need to be. Adding fantastical elements into mundane settings or turning a boring thing into something exciting and magical is awesome. Unfortunately the reverse is not true. I don't know why anyone would think that the thing missing from a magical road trip would be a college filled with catty students, but I hard disagree. It just makes the interesting world feel... too similar, I suppose. "Even though there is talking animals, there's still things you hate Roan!" this movie tells me, "There's still school, and bullying, and racism! The idea of a place that just nice to be and exist in and everyone is nice to each other is a complete lie!" 

That's why I'm a nihilist. Because progress relies on people working together and the only thing humanity hates more than helping others is helping themselves.  

Final Summation.

If you like the stage play you'll like Wicked. One might question why you need to watch the movie if you've seen the stage play, but one wouldn't like the movie to begin with. One would also desire to shove a double-barrel shotgun inside their mouth and firing upwards after enduring the whole movie. One also liked Red One and Borderlands so I guess one's opinion is dogshit and too literal or whatever other criticism you have for one that doesn't actually mean anything MOTHER!

Gladiator II Review

Okay... What did I think about Gladiator II before release? Uh...

What? I thought "Uh...". I've never seen the first Gladiator. I know everyone is like "It's AMAZING!" and my manager loves it. But this is the manager who is also obsessed with Elf, alright? Everything I've seen about that movie was just grey monotone shots of white people. And while this movie's trailers had Denzel Washington, it looked the exact same. Just orange instead of grey. 

What's The Movie About?

Maximus's illegitimate son from the first movie becomes a gladiator and seek revenge of the Roman general for killing his wife. Meanwhile, Denzel Washington is trying to destroy Rome.

What I Like.

Okay this movie's pretty cool, I guess I should watch the first one. First of all, Denzel Washington is amazing. He's the reason to watch the movie, which sounds like a dig to everyone else but it really isn't. I think Pedro Pascal is good in pretty much everything and this is no exception, and mostly everyone else is doing a really good job. It's just Denzel was eat up every scene and every person he was acting with. I really liked his character too. Even though he was the villain, I still kinda wanted him to win. The action of this movie is really cool. There was a part of the movie where I was like "If this movie is just arena fights with Pedro Pascal trying to overthrow Rome in between, this will be an awesome movie." It's not exactly that, but it is cool. It's completely ridiculous too, I'm completely on board. There's an arena fight where they flood the Coliseum and have the gladiators fight each other on boats. And to top the whole thing off, they put a bunch of sharks in the water. How did the Roman keep those sharks before using them? I don't know, but it was cool. The setting was really cool too. Clearly a lot of care and effort went into the costuming and making the locations they shot historically accurate, and it was greatly appreciated. I really got transported to a different time. Is this what grognards see when they play Carthage?

What I Don't Like.

The lead. Seriously, the guy who plays the Lucius is super boring. He's very generically stoic and doesn't have a lot of screen presence, which makes it funny that he's supposed to be this revolutionary leader. Honestly, I think the movie would have been better if his wife was the main character. Not only could there be a chance that the lead is better at acting, but I think a woman become this folk hero and leader of the common people would be more interesting. There's also some scenes where he sees into the afterlife or something that are really goofy. I also have no idea what the last shot of the movie is supposed to be. 

Final Summation. 

I like Gladiator II! It was a very energetic and fun movie with some cool action and a populace uprising, so I like it! Check it out!

Now let's talk about a shit movie.

A Real Pain Review

I was very surprised that we got this movie. We had the poster for a while but there was no trailer and the poster just disappeared. So I assumed it missed us. But here it is... I have no idea what I'm doing with this opening, let's just get into this.

What The Movie's About?

David and Benji are two cousins who join a Holocaust tour in Poland with plans to split off and see the house where their Grandmother lived. 

What I Like.

I found this movie to be very interesting. It doesn't exactly follow a traditional structure, and by that I mean the plot is a lot of stuff kinda just happening. But even deeper than that, because stuff does happen in the movie, but almost all of it gets resolved in the same or immediate next scene. But there's a very underlying plot that threads everything together, and honestly, I didn't even realize what is was until a very dramatic and really fucking well acted scene from Eisenberg about his character's relationship with his cousin that shook me into awareness of what was going on. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that this movie was based on real events. The cousins are interesting characters, and their depth makes you switch perceptions about who they are through the movie. From the outset you think Benji is the character who is more socially aware and maybe has his shit together even if others can't tell, and David is a nervous wreck, but it's actually more of the opposite. The tour group they are with are pretty interesting and have hidden depths as well, even if they aren't the focus of the movie. I really liked the part where the tour guide talks to Benji after he flipped out on him, telling Benji that he had really salient points and it was the first time he got an actionable criticism on his tour. This movie is basically a character study, but about multiple people in very small ways. And it's not condescending about it either, there is one guy on the tour who just kinda a dick. All the acting all around is pretty good, as is the directing. Honestly, for most of the movie, the shots are serviceable. But I like how pretty they make more dilapidated parts of the tour are. And the section where they tour a concentration camp is beautifully shot and framed, I was agog. And like any good moments, I cried at several points. The comedy is on point, it's a lot of awkward delivery and not knowing when to do what with certain social cues but it was weirdly working for me? Also, the ending shot was weirdly powerful. 

What I Don't Like.

Nothing... I mean sometimes Benji's outbursts are a bit too awkward for me but that's the point. Unlike most movies where I have nothing to complain about I feel like I should I have something to say here since this was a movie where I had an earbud in listening to my Christmas Playlist. (Sacrilegious, I know.)

Final Summation.

So this movie was the directing debut of Jesse Eisenberg, but even if I didn't know that I think I would have guessed that this was a first time directors artsy movie. This movie feels like a story the writer really wanted to tell, but as one of those movies, it's only okay. A little in one ear and out the other, at least for these kinds of award-bait films. But it's stupid to hold movies like this to a higher standard than all others, just because they think themselves higher or whatever. I mean, fuck, The Front Room falls into the artsy movie category, and that movie is dogshit. A Real Pain is good and you should check it out if you are interested.

Red One Review

I was kinda surprised we never got a trailer for this movie. I feel like I saw marketing for it everywhere except in the theater, although we had the poster for a very long time. All I knew was JK Simmons was playing Santa, awesome. It was starring the Rock and Chris Evans, cool. And the plot was something like a CIA guy teaming up with a criminal to save Santa from being kidnapped. That sounds like a lot of fun! But then... Then reviews came out. And they were bad. I didn't see anything specific, but it had a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes and a 36% on Metacritic! THAT'S HALF AS MUCH AS TERRIFIER 3 WHAT THE HELL.

What Is The Movie About?

Santa Claus get's kidnapped, so his head of security Cal must team up with criminal Jack to go find him. 

What I Like.

This movie was super cool! First, you should all know I love main characters who are criminals so I really liked Jack. I loved his arc with is kid and the darkest hour where he admits that he been a bad father made me cry. Cal is a cool character too, I like that he's disillusioned with the Christmas Spirit yet still the one who hardcore "We have to save Christmas!". His character arc about regaining his belief in the good in people and goddamn it I love stories like that. The acting is, of course, really good, but it's a stacked cast so I expect nothing less. I might have already mentioned it before but I like that Chris Evans is playing against the Captain America type now. JK Simmons is such a effortlessly cool Santa, it was really interest take on the Saint. I like the way he moves when he's doing his job. Everything is fluid and done with purpose. The action in general a lot of fun and really creative! There's a chase scene with the Rock sliding down a bunch of tubes to chase giant Snow Cat and then he jumps on a snowmobile and causes an avalanche and then RIDES DOWN A MOUNTAIN IN FRONT OF THE AVALANCHE HE CREATED. A magical ice cream truck comes out of the ocean and then 3 giant snow golems come out of the back and attack Cal and Jack and they had to pull of their carrot noses to defeat them. The effects are really damn cool! It reminded me of the D&D movie from last year, with a ton of magical creatures with really cool designs. There was a couple cameos that I won't spoil but they looks SO FREAKING COOL. The plot is pretty good, there was a nice twist at the climax, and I like that the movies ends with showing the audience how this version of Santa does his run. I love movies that take the Santa Claus mythos seriously, and this Red One adds a lot of creativity to the mythology. I like the ray that Cal has that allows him to shift the reality of toys, basically being able to turn a Hot Wheels into a real car. All toy stores being connected allowing North Pole workers to travels around the world is interesting as well. They could've played a little bit more Christmas carols, but the ones they did use where pretty good. 

What I Don't Like.

The dialogue is pretty meh. The exposition is fine, and when the movie slows down for an emotional moment it's pretty good. But the quips and one liners suck. They aren't egregious or anything, but they are incredibly cliched and sometimes don't always make sense. I also wish the movie paid off everything they set up. There's a part where Cal goes into a toy store and grabs a bunch of toys as supplies, and only half of them get used! Which are some of the coolest scenes in the movie as well! I WANTED TO SEE HOW THE MONOPOLY SET WAS GONNA PLAY INTO THIS!

Final Summation.

What is everyone else's problem?! Red One is FUCKING AMAZING! It's a ton of fun, with very creative action, and cool visuals. I think this is a great holiday movie, and you should check it out when you feel in the spirit!

It is interesting isn't it? How straight action movies kinda seem to getting a bad rap this year? The last movie that made me feel this excited during the showing and hyped to watch the movie again was Killer's Game, which also got terrible reviews! Even The Fall Guy, as perfect of a movie as that was, it only got okay reviews. Is there some sort of stigma against action movies I wasn't aware of? I don't even know the angle this could take. Even if you SOMEHOW get bored of the action, all three of those movies that have really good characters and pretty good plots! But I guess if the main character was an annoying fucking blood rag and the plot is nothing but an excuse to show off cameos than it's a masterpiece. (Not mentioning any Deadpool & Wolverines I mean names I mean Deadpool & Wolverine is overrated.) I get the middle of the year has not been good, but that doesn't mean the action movie that comes out is bad. Besides if the problem is action being boring then why the fuck is Terrifier 3 so highly regarded? 

Seriously. How the fuck does Terrifier 3 have twice the Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes score as this movie?