The Substance Review

What did I know about The Substance before the movie released? That it was weird and Dennis Quaid was in it. Yeah that's it. I did learn before I watched it that it was a body horror movie, which I wasn't excited about. I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't like body horror. It's just gross. Doesn't that mean you're a bad person to review this movie? I mean, I guess. But you're still here anyway. Besides, a great movie would be able to convince someone who doesn't really like the genre that it is good. 

What's The Movie About?

Demi Moore is an older (I hesitate to call her old, she's like 50.) exercise television show host who gets let go because Dennis Quaid is ageist and she takes a drug that gives her a second, younger body to relive her glory.

What I Like.

This movie is if David Cronenberg shot an Edgar Allen Poe story in an Apple Store that's simultaneously shooting a Brazzers video. YES! What? What are you screaming about? You just used a weirdly sexual metaphor to describe the movie! I just have one more square on my Bingo card left to fill! Oh shut up Buggnutz! Get the hell outta here! Anyway, it was funny that the movie started by telling me it won the Cannes Film Festival Award or something for best screenplay. Which is true, the screenplay is really good. The metaphor of the movie is about beauty standards and rekindling your youth, and the story itself was pretty interesting. The directing is fabulous, the way shots are framed, the way the female body is showcased, and the close ups and sounds design create the perfect uncomfortable atmosphere. The effects are perfectly disgusting as well. Impressively, none of the gore grossed me out so much I couldn't watch. Nah, it was a cooking scene that made me feel like I was gonna hurl and had to leave the theater during. I really like Demi Moore's and Margaret Qualley's acting. It is mostly physical and face expressions, and it's pretty damn impressive. Dennis Quaid being a massive asshole was something I need to see too, so thanks for that.

What I Didn't Like.

However, this movie could have used a little more dialogue. I didn't really understand if Demi Moore and Margret Qualley were actually the same person, or if they were two versions of the same person with a connected biological functions. Both of them act like the other is doing things that the other has no memory of, but they also have these nightmare that would require them to know what the other person is up to. It's confusing and I think it is to hid the fact that it is inconsistent. But what kills this movie is it is too long. BINGO! SHUT UP! Seriously, you can shave like 15, maybe even 30 or 40 minutes off the movie by doing two things. One, delete the repetition. They repeat the rules of the Substance like 4 times. I understand that the main character, for whatever reason, doesn't understand that breaking the rules is what is causing her to wither away, but I figured it out the first time it happened! The second thing is the ending. They ending is totally stretched out. Some of it was kinda fun, like when Monstro was revealed on stage, but most of it was just unnecessary. 

Final Summation.

I fully admit my rejection of this movie is because this was long and I don't like this kind of movie. That's not fair! And I don't care! Look, if my description of the movie sounds like something that you'd be into, check it out. I hope you take this approach with all of my reviews honestly, I am not and will never seriously claim to be the absolute authority on what movies are good and which ones aren't. But I never want to see this again.