Wonka Review

I fully admit up at the start that I went into this movie expecting not to like it. I thought the concept was stupid, the motives behind the making of this movie an obvious cash grab, and the trailers were bad. When the movie came to our theater, I did lose some of my cynical edge somewhat, as what bits I saw when working the showings were not so bad. But let's get into it.

What's This Movie About?

You know Willy Wonka? The sarcastic candy-maker created by a guy everyone thinks is racist in the 60s? There was that wonderfully imaginative and sinister movie in 1971 starring Gene Wilder? Ever wonder what he was like as a 20-something before he had a factory? No? Well they made a movie about it because the company who owns the IP was tired of not making more money from Willy Wonka.

What I Like.

Honestly, if you remove all context from this movie, it's fine. Good even. The music is catchy. The story and acting aren't terrible. I like some of the ideas in the film, like the chocolate being magic because of fantasy ingredients Willy uses. I also like the idea of a Wonka candy store being like the chocolate waterfall room of the factory, where all the product is like chocolate flowers and mushrooms you'd have to pick around a giant chocolate tree. There were some jokes that made me laugh. The romance between Scubitt and Bleecher, while intended to be a joke, I actually though was sweet and I was happy that they ended up in love in the mid-credit scene. And I kinda like the ending, how it becomes a miniature heist movie in the climax.

What I Didn't Like.

Timothée Chalamet is not very good. He spends most of the movie whispering his lines, except for like three random parts when he suddenly yells. It annoys me that chocolate is basically Willy's whole thing in the movie. Like I get it, it's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but I remember gobstoppers being just as important chocolate. Also, I'm like 95% certain that chocolate is supposed to be a metaphor for meth in the movie. Seriously, not only do two background characters get married because of the power of chocolate, the bad guys are the Chocolate Cartel who are bribing the chief of police with chocolate. Yeah, the Chocolate Cartel. That's the whole joke, hilarious until you realize that they're a real thing and they actually bribe police to cover up their shady business practices and child slavery. Their whole motivation of the Chocolate Cartel is that they try to use shady methods to prevent Wonka from selling his magic chocolate while they sell boring regular chocolate. Yep, that's right, Wonka in this movie is basically a tech start-up innovator douchebag. And since we're back on him, I kid you not when I say that Willy Wonka is the least cynical and most gullible and optimistic character in the movie. Seriously, there's a little kid and kindly old man who are more sarcastic. Than Willy Wonka. I thought at first they were leading up a more dramatic ending, like this is a tragedy with chocolate, but nope. He succeeds at pretty much everything, and everyone except the bad guys get a happy ending. Including all the cops except the one bad apple, so the thin blue line stands in what ever non-descript European town where half the people have American accents the movie is supposed to take place in. It's so bad it made me question whether this movie is actually supposed to be a prequel to the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but it must be since they played Pure Imagination at both the beginning and the end of the movie. Because 'member? 'Member the one song from the good movie? But the biggest, absolute worst sin of this movie is what they did to poor Hugh Grant. He plays an Oompa Loompa. And by plays I mean they horrifyingly CGIed his face onto a computer model. And poor Hugh Grant is so bored in this movie. He does a good job, but I'd honestly watch paint dry if Hugh Grant was the painter. But his face doesn't look the same between shots at all. This is probably the only time having less Hugh Grant in a movie improves it. Honestly, why didn't they just have him play an Oompa Loompa by dressing him in the funny clothes, painting his face orange, and giving him a green wig? That visual alone would have been hilarious. And it's not like the Oompa Loompas are the same size as in the original movie anyway, they are way too small! It also insane that Hugh Grant looks so bad, because the rest of the effects in the movie are completely fine. Not amazing, but fine. 

Final Summation.

So I obviously have a lot of problems with the movie. But you're correct is recognizing that most of them are nitpicks. If I were to relay this to Joe Buggknutz, he'd scratch his head. Both he and Mrs. Buggknutz took their three kids to see it over winter break, and they had a good time, even their surly ass teenager. That's kinda the biggest issue with reviewing Wonka though. Without the context of the business behind films, and with the original movie as a distant memory, this is a good film. And you might have a good time watching the movie, even without turning your brain off.

But I don't believe in engaging in art without context. Fuck this movie.

This movie is soulless. Nothing about it shows that the filmmakers actually wanted to make this movie. Nothing in this movie feels like it exists because someone had a good idea. Or because they thought it would be cool. Or sweet. Or funny. Everything is well constructed, but in a professional sense. Like all the filmmakers and actors were being paid and their integrity prevented them from adding an roguish mischief into the movie. There's not even a lack of care that makes some movies funny to watch. It's corporate mush.

In conclusion, Wonka is the Fleshlight of movies. It does a job, and does that job well, but it exists solely because somebody thought they could make a lot of money from it and it is not a replacement for the real thing. I would argue that it isn't even a replacement for a bad version of the real thing. I hope capitalism flames out before the inevitable sequel is made. Or at the very least whoever makes the sequel actually wants to make a Wonka movie.