The Crow (2024) Review

Pbbbbtt..... What can I say about The Crow (2024) prior to release? The only time I saw the trailer was on our ticket kiosks at work, so I just watched it, not listened to it. I never watched the original The Crow. The only thing I know about it is that was the movie that killed Brandon Lee. Roan the guy that shot Brandon killed himself don't joke about it. Sorry Buggnutz, this is the last time I'll mention it.

What's The Movie About?

Bill Skarsgård falls in love with a girl, and they get killed, then he's gotta be all moony about getting revenge instead OF JUST GETTING THE REVENGE DUDE YOU BECAME AN UNDEAD REVENANT YOU GO KICK SOME ASS ALREADY-

What I Like.

The action is really cool. I actually like it more than Wolverine and Deadpool due to the brutality and choreography. BLASPHEMY! Hey! Get outta here you red-letter miscreant! Anyway, the opera fight is the best part of the movie and is legit awesome, find it isolated on YouTube or something. The music, while not my favorite, fits the movie quite well. The way they showcase the Crow's regeneration was cool too. And I like that they don't back away from his sacrifice at the end. (Why is this like the only movie this year that's done that uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh...)

What I Didn't Like.

As my summary of the plot subtly referenced, it takes FOREVER for Bill to actually become the Crow. The first 40 minutes are just him and this girl he's in love with being "cute". And when they finally get killed, He gets all wishy-washy about being a revenge zombie until the last 20 minutes! There's a lot in the movie that just seems pointless or is so dumb it is pointless. The movie opens with Bill as a kid trying to save a white horse from barbed wire, and the movie ends with the audience seeing the outcome of that first scene while the Crow is dying. I don't know why it's in the movie. The villain in this is the worst villain I've seen in a movie all year. His motivation is basic, but his methods and so vague and convoluted that I was not at all surprised to learn he was not in the original Crow, nor was he in the comics. Every single actor was sleepwalking through this. There's one or two shots where it looks like Bill was having a bit of fun, mostly when he's pulling crazy faces or kicking ass, but there's not NEARLY enough of it. I feel like you would complain if the plot was just "white guy gets violent revenge." Maybe, but one) I'd be complaining because movies like that usually feel like they are trying to justify that behavior and I think the premise of "immortal dead guy trying to save his girlfriend's soul" is outlandish enough that no one would realistically copy it, and two) I wouldn't get put to sleep by the movie watching it. I feel The editor was probably also sleeping while working on the movie, because the editing sucks. Scenes are jarringly pasted together. There will be a somber goth romance moment that leads directly into a loud club scene that might jostle you awake but isn't cohesive at all. And finally, the ending is stupid. Everyone I watched it with said it felt like a reshoot. Despite the stakes being "Kill the bastards so your girlfriend can go to heaven.", they go BACK IN TIME and resurrect the girlfriend. That was a joke my friends and I made when we saw the Crow steal the villain's DeLorean, I was not thinking that the movie would ACTUALLY GO THERE. What's next, the EMT is actually Jesus?

How I'd Fix The Movie.

Oh great, this is back. Yeah well bear with me, this will me this will be really quick. The best part of this movie is when the Crow is kicking ass, so make that the movie. The bad guys are just generic thugs or gangsters, cut out the stupid villain, and shorten the time we spend with Bill and the girl. Then fill the rest with the cool action. Maybe the Crow executes the bad guys with karmic punishments like the Spectre from DC or those punishments from the Hellraiser movies. Roan that sounds like the original Crow movie. Huh. *Looks into the camera like I'm on the office* How about that.

Final Summation.

The Crow (2024) is egh. It's not horrible, but I'm saying that as someone who has absolutely no connection to the original. My friend who does like the original was talking about all the changes and how much worse this movie was compared to it, but I kinda feel like this movie is different enough that a comparison is unnecessary. The same friend said that they should've not called it the Crow, it should've been it's own thing, but that wouldn't've saved this movie. It's bad.