Arthur the King Review

Eeeey it's the Mahky Mahk dahg movie! Funnily enough, I've had the exact opposite pre-experience with Arthur the King than I've had with a movie like Imaginary. Which is to say I saw the poster, we showed the trailer, but as soon as it came out there was crickets. I haven't looked, but I also haven't heard a single thing about the movie. I was not looking forward to this, even though the trailer was good. One, I am vehemently a cat person. And two, I hate Mark Wahlberg. He's a racist asshole who can't act.

What's The Movie About?

Marky Mark is a runner who is competing in the Adventure Games in the Dominican Republic. Along the way his team finds a stray dog that follows them throughout the race.

What I Like.

The racing, mostly. If you remember that show the Amazing Race, it was kinda like that except it's in one location and all the participants are suicidal. Simu Liu plays a jerk, but he's so goddamn charismatic that I liked him despite that. The locations they shoot at are also very pretty. I liked that they didn't translate any of the Spanish in the movie, so if you didn't speak the language than you just had to pick things up through context clues.

What I Didn't Like.

Funnily enough, my two biggest problems are Mark Wahlberg and the dog. I'll say it again, Marky Mark cannot fucking act. His character is pig-headed and stubborn, and it's revealed at one point that he spent all of his wife's savings to run this super dangerous race. And she tells him at the end of the movie that she's pregnant! (Marky Mark also doesn't know what poor people are, since he's in dire financial straits but he still owns a pretty nice house in the mountains with a pool and eats steak for dinner every night.) This movie has a hilarious ego trip scene where Marky Mark carries two bikes and an adult woman across a zipline in one go like he's a goddamn super soldier or some shit. Speaking of unintended hilarity, there were several moments where something that was supposed to be dramatic was happening, and but I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing. Funnily enough, almost all the dramatic moments had the super obvious product placement happening during them. I usually don't mention product placements in movies (because that's what the companies want) but I want Nissan to be forever associated with the line, "My dad has cancer!" Both of the women characters all suck. The first is Marky Mark's wife, who not only is the breadwinner of the house, but literally just exists to support her husband as he tries to get himself killed. The other is one of the team members in the race, and her deal is daddy issues. She also weirdly gets coddled throughout the movie (She's the one who has to get saved on the zipline.) even though she's clearly the team member in the best shape. The camera work, additionally, sucks. It along with the editing are incredibly inconsistent. Sometimes it's shot in standard, sometimes it's clearly hand held, other times it's back-to-back drone shots. Sometimes you can see how the racers are running and where they are going, other times it's impossible to parse because of close-ups of Marky Mark's face and, of goddamn course, shaky cam! The structure of the movie as a whole is like that. One second everyone is buddy-buddy, then at a turn of a dime everyone is yelling at each other, then the dime turns again and its back to quips and goofs. 

Finally, let's talk about that stupid dog. The dog is cute. Whatever. You might think from the trailer that the entire movie is gonna be Marky Mark's team running with this dog, but the dog doesn't even meet the team until halfway through the movie. We still see him, but's it's just shots of him wandering around the slums getting chased by other dogs in goofy scenes. Once he joins up with the team it's mostly fine, but then the ending happens. The ending was so saccharine that I got a cavity. I kinda hate that I watched with movie with other patrons in the theater, because I have never wanted to yell, "Just kill the damn dog already!" more in my life. The ending is nonsense. They pretend this dog is gonna die like three times, and he never fucking does. I know this makes me sounds like a miserable bastard, but that dog should've died. But the dog survived in real life! Shut up Buggnutz. Stories based on real events change things around all the time. I'm sure the real runner carried a woman and two bikes across a fucking zipline. The ending is a tearjerker! Is it? Because I wasn't crying. I was tapping my foot on the floor waiting for this movie to wrap up. 

Final Summation.

I can see some people liking this movie. It's a feel good piece about a dog, maybe for you that makes up for the fact that Mark Wahlberg made and stars in this movie. But I wrote in my notes "If they pull a happy ending out of their ass I'm rejecting this movie", so unfortunately my hands are tied.