The Exorcism Review

I had no idea this movie existed until it arrived in our theater. The only thing I knew about it was starring Russell Crowe, and apparently has nothing to do with the Exorcist franchise. Nor does it have anything to do with the Pope's Exorcist, another demonic possession movie starring Russell Crowe, as well as nothing to do with The Last Exorcism, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Exorcism of Molly Hartley, The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund, Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers, Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, My Best Friend's Exorcism, American Exorcism, The Exorcism in Amarillo, The Exorcism of God, Godless: The Eastfield Exorcism, Exorcism: Haunted Child, Blackwater Valley Exorcism, The Amityville Exorcism, Exorcism at 60,000 Feet, 13 Exorcisms, Exorcism in Utero, Echorsis: Sabunutan Between Good and Evil, The Exorcists, Exorcist Vengeance, or The Exorcist: Italian Style.

Wow Roan. Way to list every movie you've found on Wikipedia with the word Exorcism or Exorcist in it. You want to stall the review that badly? Yes, Buggnutz. Yes I do. Because this movie is a Lovecraftian enigma. Any part of this film I comprehend I do not understand, and any part I can understand I do not comprehend. It has been hours since I've seen the movie, at time of posting, and I still can't quite internalize what I saw. 

What's This Movie About?

A remake of "the classic horror movie" is plagued by a demon possessing Russell Crowe. There's a bunch of other things that happen in the movie too, but I can't adequately explain what they were or why they happened. 

What I Like.

Russell Crowe being so good at acting that he can't play a character who acts badly. That sounds like a backhanded compliment. YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE ARE WORKING WITH HERE.

What I Didn't Like.

A movie like this makes me kinda wish that I did a video reviews instead of written ones, just so I could gesticulate wildly with a concerned look on my face, making confused grunts before staring into the camera in shock. Because putting how this movie made me feel into words is a Sisyphean task. Where to even begin...

Every part of this movie is bad. The acting, except for Russell Crowe, is awkward. The editing is stupid. The effects and scares are cliched. The cinematography is obnoxious. The script is confusing, and the dialogue is laughable. The plot has a good idea, but bogs itself down with dumb shit because, well, because the writer/director though it would be edgy. And here's the rub: Individually, these aspects aren't the worst I've seen. With the exception of the plot, Madame Web was worse in every regard than this one. But all together, these ingredients make a shit stew that I was laughing at in the beginning, but it quickly began to stank and ruined what little bits of the experience I was enjoying.

Things this movie ruined for me: The premise. I didn't realize going into it that the idea was that a movie was being haunted, and I think that's fun. The most interesting thing the movie does with it is has cliched demonic possession/exorcism scenes take place in sets. The idea of Russell Crowe maybe just relapsing is ruined by the very obvious signs that he's possessed and everyone being too fucking stupid to realize that the fat guy contorting like Reagan and magically flickering the lights isn't just off his meds. There's a real priest on set who's skeptical of the more esoteric and mystical parts of his belief, which is interesting until they just drop that characterization and have him make possibly the stupidest fucking decision a character in a demonic possession movie could make at the end. I thought they did a good job making Russell Crowe look tormented and miserable, but then I realized that EVERYONE in the film looks like that. Seriously, even at the happy ending the characters look like they haven't slept in five days. I don't know if that was intentional or not but I felt really bad for the actors. 

Let's have a quick digression about the Exorcist. This movie really wants to be an Exorcist sequel. The movie that the actors in the movie are working on is blatantly the reboot to the movie, they just don't have the license to say that in the movie. There is a lot of imagery from the Exorcist kinda haphazardly shoved in, only slightly skewed so that way they can't get sued. Honestly, that could all be fine. My issue comes from the feeling that the director's favorite part of the Exorcist is the part where Reagan tells the priest "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!". It feels like The Exorcism keeps trying to one-up it some how. I really didn't need Russell Crowe telling his daughter he'd eat her pussy better than her girlfriend. Roan, you're gonna complain about vulgarity? You swear worse than a sailor with Tourette's. Fair, but my issue isn't that the the movie is vulgar. My issue is it feel exploitative. Russell Crowe has a tragic backstory where he was molested as an alter boy, and it's just in the movie so we can have an highly unnecessary and gross flashback and the director can be mean to him about it for like two scenes. (The director character in the story, not the actual director of the movie. I'll be charitable and assume Russell Crowe wasn't made fun of for being sexually assaulted while working on this movie by Joshua John Miller.)

Final Summation.

I don't even know what to put here. I've basically done my three ending tricks in the review itself, so what's left? Well, maybe tell us whether you liked the movie or not? OH YEAH I FUCKING LOVED IT.