Horizon: An American Saga-Chapter One Review

Another day, another movie who's name refuses to properly stick to my memory. And hey, this one comes with a spice of looking really fucking racist from the trailers! Hooray! I mean, maybe it comes with the Western territory (lol get it because Westerns always take place in the part of the US that were territories at the time they take place, I'm goddamn hilarious I know), but the trailer made this movie look like Kevin Costner fighting off all the evil Indians and disrespectful young people to save his land that he totally stole from said evil Indians. Maybe I'm being cynical because I haven't seen a Kevin Costner movie I've liked but I dunno. I actually kinda like Westerns, they occupy a similar space in my mind as Noirs, a bit of a guilty pleasure. Intellectually I know that both kinds of movies can be really questionable about minorities and that what they provide I can get guilt free from other types of movies, but something about the atmosphere and tropes draw me in. Anyway, I've stalled enough let's get into it.

What's the Movie About?

The West, and there is people who want to move there, and some people who don't want the first people to move, and also Kevin Costner tries to help a prostitute. Also something about the Civil War.

What I Like.

First things first, I'm sorry Mr. Costner. This movie isn't racist I think. Well, at the very least the Native Americans are actually characters, and maybe I am just inclined to like them more from the outset, but I thought they were portrayed just as well if not better than the white people in the movie. And the movie isn't afraid to portray Whitey as evil, if not more so, as the Native Warriors that burned down the town in the opening scene. So congratulations! You've won the 'Not As Racist As You Could Have Been' Award Mr. Costner! I mean he did make Dances With Wolves Roan, you should of had more faith. OKAY BUGGNUTZ I SAID I WAS SORRY. The cinematography is pretty good. They certainly found some very pretty locations to film at and Costner knows how to block and frame a shot pretty damn well. I also kinda like the Mari character, even if she does make a really weird and questionable decision at the end. There was also a family that blew itself up in the beginning that made me laugh harder than every comedy I've seen so far this year. Unintentionally, sure, but I'll still give it to the movie.

What I Didn't Like.

So my summery of the movie was pretty bad, right? Well, that's because this movie is three to four plots jarringly slammed together. So I'm doing the best I can alright. This is why this movie is three hours long. Because it's four movies in a trench coat. And unlike a kid trying to sneak into a bar that way, there's nothing adorable to coo at nor any audacity to respect. Costner wanted to make this more than one movie, right? Then make every storyline it's own goddamn movie. What, you've never heard of a movie with a B-Plot? THESE AREN'T B-PLOTS. Every storyline has the same amount of weight as every other one. Just where there would be a cut to a different scene, they instead cut to the next story. And here's the best part: Only one of the plotlines is interesting! The one with Kevin Costner, shockingly enough, is about a travelling bounty hunter (I think) protecting a prostitute and a kid after the kid's mom's past catches up to her. That's the storyline with the Mari character. The other ones are about this town that got burnt down by Native Americans and some of the survivors getting revenge, which mostly just depressing in the most obvious ways. I liked the Native characters but that was it. One of survivors of the town getting burned down and her daughter join up with a Union post and fall in love with some soldiers and that's really dull. It doesn't help that I'm pretty sure I know exactly how that storyline will end. And the final one is about these annoying British settlers in a wagon train going west run by Owen Wilson's brother. With all the cuts between these stories, it's pretty damn confusing about who's who and what anything is supposed to relate to each other. I'm not even sure if the wagon train and Kevin Costner's storyline are supposed be at the same time as the destroyed town and revenge for the town stories. Being able to understand the dialogue might of been some help, half of it is mumbled and the other half sounds like Shakespeare if he was kicked in the head by a horse being ridden by John Wayne. What else, what else... Oh yeah, there is the most sexless sex scene I think I've ever seen. It was almost impressive how sexy they were trying to be and how much they weren't.

Final Summation.

I'm kinda mad that I'm not more mad at this movie. Roan that's circular. SHUT UP. What I mean is that this movie is just bad. Not horrible, not horrendous. Hell, it's not even that interesting to talk about. I'm probably going to forget everything that happened by tomorrow, let alone by the time the next movie comes out. (Except for that exploding family. I'm going to treasure that scene in my heart forever.) But most forgettable movies aren't THREE FUCKING HOURS LONG! Hell, probably six hours, because I'm willing to bet that the next one will be just as boring.