Don't even think about it thunder thighs! You think you can give this movie the same treatment as Babes? ...Who the fuck are you? Where's Buggnutz? I gave him the week off, I'm just making sure the BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR gets the proper respect it deserves. Now hold on a sec- Just tell us your history with the franchise Betsy.
Uh... Well I saw Logan Good and only the first Deadpool Unacceptable, should've watched every movie the character has been in before watching this one. Even X-Men Origins: Wolverine? YES! But I don't want to! I know what happens in that movie and Deadpool 2, and I didn't have any trouble understanding the movie! Yeah but if you watched those the trailer would've made you moist, wouldn't've? I doubt it. I like Logan a lot and Deadpool was great when it came out, y'know, when I was sixteen. But I haven't seen either in like 7 years and have no desire to revisit any X-Men movie. I'm just more of an Avenger comic reader, y'know? Fucking liar, you've only got DC comics on your shelf. We fucking caught ya bitch I bet you don't even like the MCU. Hey thanks for that segway!
This is gonna be the first and only chance I get to talk about the MCU this year, unless Venom forgets to take it's medication again, but I like the MCU a lot. More than most reviewers seems to, anyway. I have some differing opinions that some of the other fans too (The first Avengers movie is the best one, eat my entire asshole.) but I liked most of the movies in Phase 4 or 5 or whatever well enough. Hell, I'm one of the like sixteen people who watched The Marvels, and that movie was a lot of fun. If you are tired of the MCU, that's fine. I feel like you can stop talking about it if you want to. Amen and praise Stan Lee, now get to the sticking your dick in the movie! In a good way or a bad way? Up to you *audible wink*.
What's The Movie About?
CAMEOS. CAMEOS CAMEOS CAMEOS. WHAT PLOT IT'S JUST FUCKING CAMEOS. It's more than just cameos dicksquirt. Yeah barely. It's something about Deadpool's timeline being erased and he needs Wolverine for some reason to fix it. And Wolverine's sad because he let his X-Men die. But it's also a Deadpool movie so you don't fucking care. They're lying watch the movie eight times to catch the subtle storytelling they clearly missed. DON'T DO THAT.
What I Like.
The music is good. Hoo boy are we off to a screaming start. Chill. I was just saying that I like that the Deadpool movies use unconventional songs for action scenes, and the Madonna song they use over the final battle was cool. I really liked the cameos that made up the resistance team against the villain. Spoilers artfully dodged, wonderful dismount! And they were pretty much the only cameos I liked. Never mind, tripped at the goal line. The action is also really good. As befits the character, it is brutal and hilarious, but I wasn't expecting the how well they showcase some characters' powers. Weeooo Weeoo backhanded compliment alert! Highlight for me was the fight scene over the opening credits. I really liked the fight and how creatively sacrilegious it was. Plus, some of the humor made me laugh. The send off the Fox Studios over the credits was sweet, and I can see fans of pre-MCU Marvel movies not only getting a kick out of the movie, but really appreciating the fact this movie exists. So that's very nice. Beautifully prosed. Now, everyone stop reading here mmmkay? Just rest easy that some unknown and sexually frustrated fumble-cunt agrees with your pretty little opinion. You don't need to see the rest. Stop driving away my readers! I ain't got much of them to begin with.
What I Didn't Like.
Almost everything good this movie does has some parts that were dumb or annoying. Like half the comedy is obnoxious. God, tell me something new! Kinda like your interruptions, fuckhead! The character of Deadpool is as faithful as ever, which means he can be super fucking annoying. At least the other characters think so too, but it doesn't help that Wolverine saying fuck every other word was getting on my nerves. Pot calling the kettle blaaaaaaack. Well it sounds weird! Also, not only am I trying to cut back on my swearing a bit, but also I change it up every once in a while. Shitheel. Hehehe sweet talker. Now tell me the villain's lame even though you've never read about this character and don't know how faithful she is to the source material. Um, yeah, that's true. But even if she is faithful it doesn't change that she's bland. You thought the finger-mindreading effect was cool, admit it! Uh, yeah also true. But it makes no sense! Who are you, the fucking mind police, fingerbanging edition? Who cares what if it makes sense? It extends to the whole plot though! The time travel stuff (Spoilers) IT'S IN THE TRAILER! Is not cohesive with the MCU explanation as a whole. It would help if the plot wasn't clearly an afterthought, but clearly I'm the only viewer who fucking cares. What? The movie can't make up it's own thing? Not if it's gonna pillage the MCU crumbs for cheap fanservice and jokes! AND SPEAKING OF CHEAP JOKES, why is it funny that Deadpool is gay? Because getting fucked in the ass is funny. Why?! Seriously, sit down and tell me why is Deadpool being gay or bisexual or whatever funny. I'm not saying LGBTQIA+ people are above being made fun of, Soundslikethat'swhatyou'redoing but I just don't get it. And not only is this a well that the movie comes to time and time again, but it's all over the marketing! At least it's better gay man representation than Mean Girls. ...Fuck you. Gladly. Can you at least admit that this movie is too long. What?! Are you on all the cocaine Feige confiscated from the cast/prop department? No, but during for the entire final act I was waiting for the movie to wrap up! And my god! Can a Marvel movie have stakes again? MCU movies have never been great for having plots with lasting consequences, but at least they were good at faking it. THERE WERE TWO MOVIES BETWEEN INFINITY WAR AND END GAME. Wait wait wait, you wanted the movie to kill Wolverine and Deadpool? YES. This is definitely gonna be the last movie where Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine and definitely should be the last Deadpool movie, so why not? Hell, isn't the whole point of the final fight scene to tell us that there is a million versions of Deadpool in the multiverse? So you could totally kill him off and still keep Ryan Reynolds on the hook for whatever cameos you want. Christ Buggy was right, you are a sociopath! WELL MAYBE IF MOVIES STOPPED FAKING CHARACTER DEATHS I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT SO MUCH. Stakes are only effective if you sometimes follow through with the threats the story gives. Bathos be damned, my balls are the shade of blueberries.
Final Summation.
The movie's fine. After all that? You're not even gonna give us the good shit you whingeing coconut? Well the movie ain't worst movie I've seen in any aspect. It's not the worst superhero, Fox, or Marvel movie I've watched, hell, not even the worst of any of those movies I've seen this year! But it's also not the best thing since self-lubricating dildos. I'm giving it a begrudging recommendation, not that it matters because if you want to see this movie even slightly you already did.
We're just gonna end of self-lubricating dildos? YEP AND YOU CAN LICK MY CINNAMON RING BITCH.
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